Ten Minute Relationship Tune Ups

We all get into slumps in our romantic relationships from time to time. It’s easy to get into roommate mode with a long term partner and when life gets busy, we can sometimes lose sight of how to connect with our partner on an emotional level. Many of the leading couples therapists have concluded that mutual admiration and trust are the two most important features of a healthy, secure relationship. I am going to break down what goes into each of these and I’ll offer some suggestions for quick and easy ways to increase and repair in these areas.

Admiration

What are the qualities that you truly appreciate and value in your partner? What did you feel most drawn to about them when you first met? Why are you grateful to be with this person? It is very common to become resentful of the things that bug us about the other person, and so renewing your admiration for them can be a great antidote to resentment.

Exercise: Check out John Gottman’s I Appreciate Exercise and select from the positive traits that (even partially) describe your partner, then write down a time that they demonstrated that trait for each one you list. Bonus if you share this with your partner.

Trust

Trust is the basis and foundation for a secure relationship. Even if something like betrayal has not occurred, trust can be slowly eroded in other ways. Sue Johnson uses the acronym A.R.E. you there for me? This stands for emotionally accessible, emotionally responsive, and emotionally engaged. It’s important to evaluate for yourself, are my partner and I emotionally available to one another?

Emotional Accessibility

When we get bogged down by the demands of our jobs or kids, it can be hard to notice those moments when your partner is trying to connect and share about a difficult experience, and perhaps you both gradually become self sufficient in processing your emotions. If you are out of practice, try using Gottman’s Stress Reducing Conversation Exercise with your partner to improve your active listening skills and foster more connection.

Emotional Responsiveness

When we respond to a bid for connection from our partner, emotional responsiveness means looking up from whatever it is you’re engaged in ie a screen or a book and attentively listen to what they want to share with you. But remaining distracted and missing those bids from your partner can lead to resentment and even rage over time. If we can see those small moments as opportunities for connection it can help rebuild trust over time.

Emotional Engagement

Emotional engagement is about listening skills It’s about embracing your partner’s feelings about a challenge they might be having and showing empathy without trying to problem solve. Sometimes they just need to know their partner is here with them through the difficulty and don’t need solution right away.

References from the Gottman Institute and Coming Together by Emily Nagoski Phd