Which Type of People Pleaser Are You?

Many people grow up in an environment where we either learn or are taught that being agreeable, compliant, and helpful earns praise and love. Whether it be through experiencing trauma and using it as a strategy to survive, or witnessing it being modeled by our caregivers, somewhere along the way it becomes a habitual way of relating with others in order to feel safe. This behavior is known as the fawn response and it is one of the four trauma responses - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. The tendency is to move toward the threat in a manner that shows agreeability and helpfulness in order to be safe. The core belief behind this is, “I am only okay when you’re okay”. But we become so focused on the other person’s needs that we lose touch with what we actually want and need.

In the book, Are you Mad at Me? (2025) Meg Josephson, LCSW describes six roles of fawning behaviors that are common: The Peacekeeper, The Performer, The Caretaker, The Lone Wolf, the Perfectionist and The Chameleon. Below is a summary of each of the types.

The Peacekeeper

Grew up in a high conflict environment with little to no repair. Learned that silence from others is an indicator of abandonment and will blame themselves. Feels like a burden, masks emotions and remains neutral. Conflict is viewed as scary. Core belief is “I am bad”.

The Performer

Grew up in a highly tense environment with moody caregivers that may struggle to regulate their own emotions. Learned to boost others moods through the use of constant positivity and humor and believes they are responsible for making other people happy. Cannot be their authentic selves around others for fear of being disliked. Core belief is “I need to be who others expect me to be.”

The Caretaker

A parentified child who took on care giving roles for family members from a young age. Learned being helpful earns love. Has difficulty setting boundaries, overextends themselves and then becomes silently resentful. Feels own emotions are a burden, denies own needs, and gains value through taking care of others. Core belief is “I need to manage other’s emotions to be okay.”

The Lone Wolf

Experienced emotional neglect frequently as a child and learned to be very independent from a young age. Received praise for self sufficiency, and learned that love is very hard to earn. Becomes emotionally distant in relationships as an adult due to a fear of rejection if they get close. This is often how someone with an avoidant attachment style presents. Core belief is “it’s not safe to rely on other people”.

The Perfectionist

Caregivers dismissed/shamed their emotions as a child. Learned to suppress difficult emotions and often becomes a high achiever to earn praise. They think they need to be perfect to be loved. The core belief is “something is wrong with me” due to not trusting the wisdom behind their own emotions.

The Chameleon

Experienced bullying and/or abuse. Learned to blend in to remain safe and not be targeted. Tries to make their abuser happy to avoid being hurt and doesn’t know how to say no. Core belief is “I can be safe when you’re pleased with me”. When there is trauma/abuse in the home fawning is actually a very common and sensible strategy used to survive. It may not make sense to other people why someone would stay in an abusive situation however fawning is the way to survive the abuse when the person cannot leave.

There are many reasons why fawning behaviors are necessary, especially among trauma survivors and marginalized populations who have to do this to survive within an oppressive system. From a trauma lens, people will repeat behaviors that are familiar because it feels safer. They know how to navigate situations in this way, and that’s why it can be really difficult to make changes to fawning behaviors. Responding in a new way that feels unfamiliar might feel dangerous. It takes practice as well as the support of a competent therapist to help make changes slowly over time.

Stay tuned for part two on this topic next month!