Small Steps In Changing Your People Pleasing Behaviors
This is part 2 of my take aways from the book, Are You Mad At Me? by Meg Josephson, LCSW. Below are small goals to set for yourself to shift away from people pleasing patterns.
Recognize that you do not have control over other’s perceptions of you.
It’s so hard to remember this fact. But it’s what can help you let go if the need to seek other’s approval. Think about the beliefs or narrative you have about the situation, ie. you need that person to like you in order to achieve that promotion, get in with a social circle, or be accepted in general. It’s easy to put a lot of power in what someone liking you means for your worth. But the truth is you’re not going to be liked by everyone you meet, just as you don’t like everyone you meet. That is simply life. Radically accepting the lack of control is the first step in setting yourself free from this pattern of approval seeking.
Take Their Word for It
If you are concerned someone is angry with you, and you ask and they say no, let it go. Josephson’s driving point of her entire book is to be ok with taking people’s words at face value without trying to guess what they are internally feeling. “If someone is being passive-aggressive in their communication and not bringing something to you directly, there’s nothing for you to fix” (Josephson, 204).
Shift your focus into doing something you’re good at or that you enjoy.
One of the reasons you might fixate on winning someone’s approval is due to low self esteem. So actively shifting to engaging in something that builds you up, brings you joy, and helps shift your focus in a meaningful or productive way is a practice in letting go and resetting.
Know that Conflict is Inevitable
You might be someone who gets very uncomfortable around conflict, and avoid it at all costs. But unfortunately conflict is a part of life, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can even represent a desire to be closer.
